Mission Statement
At Tartan Paint Fitters we don’t just fit tartan paint, every Deputy Head of Going Forward we employ has asked us to point you towards it. We also have a mission. Somewhere. We’ve lost it, behind the portaloos, under a box or something. One day we will find it. Probably when we aren’t even looking for it. Bloody typical, eh?
Values
We strive to promote a strong set of values. A moral compass and framework to not only live within, but to use as a springboard to excellence. A ladder to loveliness. A little hop-up to pop a nail in the architrave of acceptability and maybe hang a painting from.
Our Story
The company was founded in 171 B.C. By flint knappers who had recently been put out of work by the newfangled bronze age, and had just seen an episode of Dragons Den.
It spent the next two millenia completely dormant, as no one had remembered to organise someone to come in and open the shop first thing. When they finally agreed on who had to go to bed early, the internet had been invented. Not missing out on an excuse to stay warm in the office, they decided to do it as a website instead.
Once employee of the month ‘Two-Sheds’ had put down his pair of trousers for just long enough to let the internal audit team do their bloody job, we were able to open the doors and the rest is history.
Accreditations
- Some flowers in the reception area.
- Name badges on 408 members of the senior management team (but not ‘Pothole’, he insists that he is a concept and not an object that can be addressed. Bloke should probably lay off the Ket if you ask me).
- Proper name badges on some of the car parking spaces
- Framed picture of someone shaking hands
- Kia-Ora swimming badges (5-25m)
- Certification for compliance with BS 6008:1980
Testimonials
Local Rat Catcher“S’alright innit”
William “Bill” S. Preston, Esq. & Ted “Theodore” Logan“Most non-heinous.”
I thought that Louis Theroux was absolutely superb, he really is the Forklift Whisperers Forklift Whisperer.
Julius Caesar
John F Kennedy“Ich bin Ein Berliner”