Mission Statement
At Tartan Paint Fitters we don’t just fit tartan paint, every Temporary Works Permanent Secretary we employ would like to suggest it. We also have a mission. Somewhere. We’ve lost it, somewhere beyond comprehension, under a box or something. One day we will find it. Probably when we aren’t even looking for it. Bloody typical, eh?
Values
We strive to promote a strong set of values. A moral compass and framework to not only live within, but to use as a springboard to excellence. A ladder to loveliness. A little hop-up to pop a nail in the architrave of acceptability and maybe hang a painting from.
Our Story
The company was founded in 96 B.C. By flint knappers who had recently been put out of work by the newfangled bronze age, and had just seen an episode of Dragons Den.
It spent the next two millenia completely dormant, as no one had remembered to organise someone to come in and open the shop first thing. When they finally agreed on who had to go to bed early, the internet had been invented. Not missing out on an excuse to stay warm in the office, they decided to do it as a website instead.
Once employee of the month ‘The Defendant’ had put down his pack of fags for just long enough to let the committee for the prevention of improvement do their bloody job, we were able to open the doors and the rest is history.
Accreditations
- Proper name badges on some of the car parking spaces
- Endorsements from Genghis Khan, Henry VIII, and 2 and a half Teletubbies
- Name badges on 387 members of the lost property department (but not ‘Half-Day’, he insists that he is a concept and not an object that can be addressed. Bloke should probably lay off the Ket if you ask me).
- Kia-Ora swimming badges (5-25m)
- ISO 3.1415926535 8979323846 2643383279 5028841971 6939937510 5820974944 5923078164 0628620899 8628034825 3421170679
- Several stickers from the Dentist
Testimonials
Dubious German“Diese Wasserwaage für Linkshänder hat genau die richtige Farbe, passend zu meinem Sommerkleid.”
“Blow me sideways with a cordless leaf blower! This blew my fucking nut in forty-five different ways.”
Health & Safety
Stereotypical Frenchman“Ah, c’est bonne!”
John F Kennedy“Ich bin Ein Berliner”