TARTAN PAINT FITTERS

Esteemed silliness for the gentleman at trade.

Pending a full investigation that absolutely will not happen, we may learn the art of waffle wrangling.

This is an example page for how the Waffle Engine™ merrily replaces words in a mildly amusing fashion. The following prose will take a new form upon each new generation.

Following an entirely avoidable incident involving Julius Caesar, sixteen Senior Mole Falconers just happened to be theoretically removing their structural lucky spirit levels outside a branch of Screwfix.

Ryan Gosling from the office of strategic ambiguity (who is the reason the emergency stop is so brightly coloured) came along and said “I was just assembling hotmumsinyourarea.biz on my lunchbreak and you need to weld the variable housing because I think it might be structural. May even have been loosened theoretically.”

‘Butterfingers‘ turned round and told him “Do one, you fully loosened slut. This lamp is not going to sort itself out. It’s currently over 153 Nelson's Columns from the main backup sausage, and if you look over there Alan Titchmarsh’s court shoes have hammered their way into my pair of trousers.”

Because dear reader, As we all know, the health and safety committee regulations actually state a maximum of 1 gnat's cock when you have the offset inverse cam directly beneath the alibi.

But anyway, How about you plumb my nut you spanner.

Slut.

We also do the same thing using a couple different words inside curly braces to make this bit:

A message from our increasingly nervous strategic planning committee:

Somewhat predictably, all available evidence suggests you require the Three, Four Bottle

Mission Statement

At Tartan Paint Fitters we don’t just fit tartan paint, every {JOBTITLE} we employ {RECOMMENDATIONVERB} it. We also have a mission. Somewhere. We’ve lost it, {LOCATION}, under a box or something. One day we will find it. Probably when we aren’t even looking for it. Bloody typical, eh?

Values

We strive to promote a strong set of values. A moral compass and framework to not only live within, but to use as a springboard to excellence. A ladder to loveliness. A little hop-up to pop a nail in the architrave of acceptability and maybe hang a painting from.

Our Story

The company was founded in {NUMBER:FALSE:4:213} B.C. by flint knappers who had recently been put out of work by the newfangled bronze age, and had just seen an episode of Dragons Den.

It spent the next two millenia completely dormant, as no one had remembered to organise someone to come in and open the shop first thing. When they finally agreed on who had to go to bed early, the internet had been invented. Not missing out on an excuse to stay warm in the office, they decided to do it as a website instead.

Once employee of the month ‘{NICKNAME}’ had put down his {OBJECT_SINGULAR} for just long enough to let the {DEPARTMENT} do their bloody job, we were able to open the doors and the rest is history.

A man came to us. He said he would like to buy a  thing. We said, that is good, for we do in fact, sell things. And then we sold him a thing. And he was happy. For he had a thing that he did not have before. And we had money that we did not have before.

And now for something with a price tag:

Well torque my nuts and call me compliant! The Assistant Deputy Vice Foreman was chatting shit outside a branch of Screwfix as usual when he came out with this cracker, the algorithm has coughed up this Hammering Guide Light T-Shirt

The important thing is that nobody from the haberdashery team was formally charged.

Due to a recurring phenomenon known to many tradesmen as ‘winter’, a local labourer realised that he would need to purchase a new hoodie. Not only because you don’t stay very warm when doing as little as possible, but because it brought the added bonus of being slightly less recognisable when you sneak off to hit your vape. TPF were proud to supply this young man with a delightful weather repelling garment, adorned with a somewhat ironic list of derisive nicknames that could probably be applied to himself.

We interrupt this otherwise perfectly respectable article for some light commerce:

After consulting precisely nobody qualified, the official recommendation is therefore the Two Sugars Travel Mug

However I still maintain the goat knew what it was doing. At least that’s what the Vice President of Bits told the tribunal.

A severely mug and novelty t-shirt deprived area in a place the Acting Cable Tie Straightener assures me is technically public land received significant investment from a wealthy local businessman. The need for tongue in cheek graphical design was identified and Tartan Paint Fitters came forward with a well structured tender to supply not only this, but a comprehensive suite of grinder sparks, spirit level bubbles, Monster Munch, and sky hooks too. Once the glass hammers were finally set down, we decided that we couldn’t see it from our house and left with a strong brake-light warranty in place.

It has been pointed out by the senior management team that we do actually sell things:

The computer, which we increasingly regret purchasing, suggests the entirely ambitious Three, Four Flask

Hugs, tears, much wailing and gnashing of teeth. These were the scenes today as staff at our Timbuktu production facility were overjoyed to learn that they would finally be working in a building at an undisclosed industrial estate.

The CEO, who is normally known by the name of ‘Sausage Fingers’, had finally deigned to bless the hard working employees with physical shelter from the elements but not the directorate of advanced faffing. He decided those bastards weren’t worth the effort. They hadn’t seemed all that keen on the presentation maracas he had bestowed upon them as a Christmas bonus in 2003.

Could walls be in their future? He remained tight lipped on the subject, either way the main Regional Structural Optimism Operative there was a proper little grabarse about it.

However. He still took care to remind them that this didn’t mean they could get ‘too uppity’ now, and that he still expected five hundred and eighteen hour days from the lot of them.

Before you go, the management team would like a word:

Following several complaints and one surprisingly detailed diagram, Julius Caesar says you need this hydraulically self-certified Three, Four Light T-Shirt

However the situation with the bins remains unresolved.

In yet another brilliant display of leadership, and a reason as to why he earns the big bucks. Our managing director has found a vaguely plausible reason for travelling to a gloriously sunny location with cheap booze on company dollar. He took the Chief Operational Operations Officer from the incident response team with him, for reasons they tend to skirt over when questioned upon.

Apparently, cliched Linkedin or suspiciouslycheaptools.biz posts regarding ‘Motivation’ and ‘Learning Journeys’ are absolutely paramount to the ongoing success of Tartan Paint Fitters and it’s down to this sort of fearless self sacrifice, that we can all pay our mortgages. Just.

A message from our increasingly nervous technical department:

Lord preserve us! At a time when saying nothing remained very much an option, the paperwork has cleared for our hydraulically duck-rated Measure Twice Travel Mug

We trust you’ll exercise the same poor judgement that brought you here.

The results are in!

The emergency biscuits committee has conducted a thorough audit, with an absolutely absurd number of spreadsheets and fairly pointless conditional formatting to boot. They spent a long time pushing suspiciously damp ropes around somewhere north of Dagenham and they almost looked like they knew what they were doing.

So in conclusion, the company has officially survived another Tuesday afternoon without bailiffs attempting to gain entry (no thanks to old ‘Six Fingers’ of course). Will Wednesday morning be the same? Only time will tell.

The author of this content would like to make a comment:

Having learned absolutely nothing from this, the Director of Looking Into It has been banging on about our artisan Site Nicknames Travel Mug